33

It was the first snowfall of the year today. It's been a dry winter, so far. Some minor flurries, but nothing like this. It turned dark in the middle of the day; the base grounded all air and space travel, everyone closed their windows, the foot traffic disappeared from the streets. The weather warning was for three feet of snow. It's a little more than what Chicago is really used to.

Angilo couldn't get enough of it. He was near the window, all day, barely pretending to work on the files in front of him. He was entranced by the sky, and how the clouds were getting darker.

I couldn't stop watching him, but he didn't notice.

Once, he got a phone call. The person on the other end was doing most of the talking. I didn't really hear what it was about. The pain in my leg was flaring up, and I was breathing, deep and even. It was an exercise Cerebel taught me, back during the war.

"Thank you, sir," I heard Angilo say. "You have my word."

He slid the phone closed, and glanced towards me. "You tired of sitting around the apartment all day?"

I was. It's was maddening, being trapped here. The snow was a relief; it made my prison a prison of nature, not a prison of man.

"I have you another job."

He waited for my reaction. I don't know if I gave one. If I did, he's one of the people in the world who could have seen it.

"It's with kids," he said. "Martians."

It was like a flash of ice, through the pit of my stomach. "I don't know if I can-"

"Rayne," he interrupted (my name, get my name off of your tongue), "they need someone."

"Do you play chess?" I asked him, after a pause.

"Um," said Angilo, "a little?"

"Bring a set," I told him. "Next time you come."

32

We walked back to the military base - me in badly-fitting civilian clothes, half-leaning on a cane, and him in his Earth military uniform, posture straight, gait even.

"Isn't this against the rules?" I asked him.

"Yes," he said.

- gods, I hate him. He says things like that - tosses them off, like they mean nothing, and then he looks at me as though he expects me to be grateful. If I would just break down and sign the surrender agreement, it means that he would be right.

Son of a bitch.

31

I find myself with little to write about, near the end of my recovery. The nurse is restless when she's in the room; the doctor is short-tempered, and he doesn't make eye contact. They want me gone, and with good reason. The riots are only three days over, and the President has yet to rescind the order of temporary martial law.

The days pass, like they did before. Angilo is here less often, and when he is, he keeps his distance. Perhaps the touch affected him more than it affected me.

There's a kind of poetry around growing up on Mars. I think Earth natives, who have never been, imagine a red sky, red light, fiery people and their fiery beliefs. They make it a kind of mystical place. It was their fear, the ingrained terror of the god of war, that we counted on to let us win the war.

Growing up on Mars isn't a poem. It isn't a nightmare, either, if that's what you were expecting.

(I say 'you'. I don't even know who I'm addressing.)

I grew up in a normal way, in a normal Haven. Its name was Whitefall - I think named after a river in the Earth-based hometown of the founder. I don't remember his name. I remember he had seven children...

Education in Whitefall was good. Not the best on Mars, not the worst. I remember a classmate of mine - in fact, later she became very important. She

Enough. Maybe I'll write more about her later.

The sky wasn't red, of course; in places where the original colonists bothered to properly top the domes, the sky is blue, like Earth's. In the cheaper, faster setups, the sky is gray, the color of the metal and ceramic construction.

I suppose the most important part of this trip down memory lane is that I grew up in peace. When you grow up in peace, you assume it will last forever.

30

I suppose I should record what happened, for posterity. I find it highly doubtful that there will be any records remaining - the security cameras, no doubt, were deactivated. The soldiers, in all probability, were not disciplined for their actions. This, like any other violent incident during the riots, will probably slip away from the historical record, like it never was.

How do I begin?

It was an ordinary day. That is, what passes for an ordinary day, now. I was watching the news, my only contact to the outside world - we're very sheltered, very isolated in the base. The news isn't in depth, it's not deeply insightful, but it's enough.

When the door opened, I thought it was Angilo. I was tense, anxious - not in the quiet, terrified way the Terrans have been, for the last month. I wasn't terrified, I was angry, I was frustrated.

It wasn't just one set of footsteps that came inside. There were too many

{Note: This sentence ended without punctuation or further words. The next begins on the following line.}

It's harder to write this than I expected. What if the military is still spying on me? It's difficult to think that someone I don't know is finding this out about me, analyzing it, storing it in a little file with the potential for using it later.

There were six of them. Maybe seven. The highest ranked was a corporal. Enlisted army men, the kind that they use as guards to prevent the Martians from escaping.

Well, I suppose putting someone in the hospital is a sufficient deterrent to escape.

I would rather not record the rest.

{It is interesting to note that Rayne was correct in his criticism of the historical record. There is no mention of this incident in the logs surrounding his capture and imprisonment. Likewise, there are no disciplinary records for the postulated seven soldiers involved. The only other mention of this incident can be found in the video recordings of General Angilo's testimony at a hearing, prior to his appointment to the special fugitive investigation squad.}

29

The riots ended today. Angilo tells me they estimated almost six thousand Martians dead - immigrants, officers, bystanders. Maybe they even caught a terrorist or two.

I can't eat. I suppose it must have been from the early hours of the riots, when food was hardly the foremost thing on my mind, to the - well, the break-in, I suppose, though you can hardly call it 'breaking in' when they have the keys - and the day or two in the hospital, when they didn't feed me solid food. My stomach feels like it's been shrunk, tightened, to the point where food just doesn't fit there anymore. I feel a swell of nausea every time I think about the act of eating - chewing, swallowing, digesting.

He's worried about it, I can tell. He stands by the window, more often than he sits, but there isn't much of a view. Grimy glass, and there's more across the street, just pane after pane of glass. The window lip is wide enough that you can't see to the street below.

The food from the hospital cafeteria cools, on the table next to my bed.

"Aren't you going to eat that?" he asks me - or some variation on that - every few minutes. I don't respond.

"Rayne," he breathes, finally, exasperated. "You can't starve yourself to death."

"I'm not trying to," I say, softly.

He turns, touches my forehead. It's unwelcome, I suppose. Any touch by the enemy is unwelcome.

My breath releases, in a quiet hiss, and I feel my eyes slide shut.

"It's over," says Angilo. "The riots are over."

"I know."

"Rayne."

"I know."

His fingertips trail down to the edge of my jaw, and there's something awed, shocked about the rhythm of his breathing.

His touch vanishes, all too suddenly, and I hear the door swish open.

It's a nurse - off-white scrubs, rumpled. I wonder how long she's been on duty.

"Ah," says a nurse, "haven't eaten again?"

"No," confirms Angilo.

"I'll take it, then," and she moves towards the tray.

"No," I object, half sitting up.

She pauses.

"I'll give it another shot."

"Okay." She smiles. "Just let me know if you need me," with candyfloss cheer. The door closes behind her.

Angilo watch me take the first few bites.

28

{Archivist's Note: This entry appears to be written almost two weeks after the last one. The chronological data is unclear; timeline states that Derek Rayne was hospitalized approx. 48 hours after the instigation of the Mars Riots. There is no official release on record.}

I've waited here for a long time, not sure what to write. I don't know why.

He was here today.

"The windows are barred," I murmured. Because I wanted to fill the silence.

"It's for your own safety," he told me. "The mob's only three blocks from here."

If I shifted position, my leg - ankle to thigh - was in agony.

"Nice to know."

I knew it anyway. I could hear the thrum of the crowd through the floor.

"We can't risk you getting hurt." Or killed, he didn't say.

"Would that really be so bad?"

You'd be rid of - whatever it is you see in me. I'd be rid of this obligation - I'll stay loyal to Mars, no matter what, but I don't want to be trapped where that loyalty means nothing. You can see that, can't you?

"You don't want to die, do you?" he asks. Surprised.

- no, I suppose I don't.

There were four of them; there was one of me. They were trained to kill. I may have been lucky. More likely, death wasn't their goal.

The news anchor says that almost a fifth of the Martian officers relocated to Earth were killed in the last week. I recognize some of the names.

27

I can only record what the news says:

There were five soldiers, on crowd control in the concourse. Earth soldiers, controlling Martian crowds.

Or, not controlling, as it turns out.

They were going to be transferred home the next day, a woman sobs to a reporter. Who did she lose - a son, a husband? It doesn't matter. The violence of Mars has a face, now.

I think we've hit shatterpoint.

{Archivist's note: Shatterpoint, at the time, was a common term used by Martian miners to describe the area on a rock surface that would break the rock with a minimum of applied pressure. If you hit the wrong kind of shatterpoint, you could be facing a mine collapse.}

26

It's not a surprise. Since the attacks, I knew I was going to lose the job. I'll probably go back to some kind of hard labor. After all, I'm a prisoner of war.

"You're fired," she said, as soon as the door closed behind her.

"No kidding," I shot back - regretted it, immediately. She didn't want attitude. It wasn't her fault.

Then again, she's from Earth. It might as well be her fault.

"Don't get smart with me, jackass," she snapped. "You think I was a social worker before the war? You think I'm doing this because I have no other option?"

"Honestly," I said, meeting her eyes, "I didn't think about you."

"Just like this isn't about you." She crossed her arms. "I'd rather not have a riot tear down the building. There are kids in here. And, to some of the people out there, a Martian is a Martian is a Martian."

"Then how the hell did I get this job in the first place?"

She shrugged. "What Angilo wants, Angilo gets."

"Why?"

"He won the battle of Toridia, didn't he?"

In a moment, she realized what she said and tried to backtrack, but I wasn't listening.

Angilo met me, in the lobby, just a few minutes later.

{Archivist's Note: While this and the previous entry are in the correct order, chronologically, the events of the previous entry appear to have taken place before those of this entry. On a stylistic note, this is very out-of-place in an otherwise well-ordered and organized journal.}

25

"We'll find something else for you to do."

"I'd rather not, thanks."

"There are people out there who could use your help."

"They don't want my help."

"They'd want your help if you signed the surrender, goddamnit!"

At Angilo's outburst, I stopped, in my tracks. Not the best of ideas; we were on the steps of a public building, exposed, in the middle of Chicago, at night. Not exactly the hotbed of twenty-third century liberalism, tolerance and understanding.

"No."

My voice was as cold as I could make it. He wasn't intimidated; he just got angrier.

"This is counterproductive, Rayne," he snapped. "The war is over. You lost. Accept it."

"I will never accept," I said, "the loss of this uniform, and what it represents."

"Mars lost the fucking war!"

"Mars hasn't lost until that," and I gestured, at the night sky, at the dull reddish glow of Mars, "until that glow is extinguished."

"You," he accused, "are the reason the war lasted as long as it did, claimed as many lives as it did -"

"You're one to talk about claiming lives," I returned, my heartbeat coming faster. I was going to start raising my voice, and it looked as though the security guards, already tense with the coming crisis, were just looking for an excuse to step in.

"The greatest good for the greatest number," said Angilo, tightly. "Ever wonder what it would have been like if I hadn't dropped that cruiser on your head?"

"We would have lost!"

He took a step back, a little stunned.

"We would have lost," I repeated, trembling. "We were no threat to you, just an army on the surface, you could have starved us out in a week and you started a slaughter-"

"Shut up," Angilo cut me off. "We shouldn't be talking here."

No kidding.

His hand closed on my arm, above the elbow, and I let him lead me to the car.

He was furious, upset; as the driver started moving, Angilo shot a glance at me, brief enough that maybe he hoped I didn't notice. It wasn't angry, it wasn't worked up. Worried, maybe?

"I'm sorry," he said, finally.

"Don't apologize to me."

"Goddamnit," he murmured, and he didn't meet my eyes.

24

I'd forgotten how this feels. It was just like this, on Mars, before the war. The world felt very fragile, like the slightest shift could shatter everything.

You wouldn't believe how it felt, unless you were there. Mostly, outside news wasn't a big concern - before the Reclamation Acts. Then, suddenly, it was as though Martians had spent all their lives asleep to the rest of the solar system, and they were, bit by bit, finally starting to wake up...

God, the tension. Everyone on the street was holding on, by their fingernails, to a reality that seemed more and more likely to slip away. You take peace for granted, until it's gone, and suddenly you have to fight for your life and your freedom and your planet, and you'll lose it all if you don't win.

Well, we didn't win. So, I suppose I have a unique perspective on the current situation. The worst has already happened. My world is gone. And I can watch as these people, all around me, are terrified that their own world is ready to shift into overdrive, again.

Angilo is always tense, now. Lauretta won't look me in the eye. I doubt this job will last much longer.

23

They let me go back to work, but most of the families refused to see a Martian soldier. One of the children kept asking me about her mother - she couldn't have been more than four years old.

Lauretta ran herself ragged. I barely left my office.

22

I suppose my face must have betrayed too much. She came on the news, again, speaking as a face for the Council of Havens - decrying the horrible act and denying all possible responsibility.

She has to do that kind of thing, I know. It still rankles a little. We're so whipped.

"Do you know her?" Angilo asked.

I must have straightened up, or something. Some part of my body language betrayed me.

"I've met her," I told him.

"And I swear," said Maurina d'Jorian, on the television screen, "that the Martian authorities will do everything in their power to investigate and apprehend the individuals that could be responsible for this crime. We guarantee our full cooperation with any Earth investigators that are sent by the United Nations."

Angilo regarded me, like he didn't believe me. Or, rather, I'm sure he believed I was telling the literal truth.

"Is she a member of Nest Haven?" he asked, eventually.

"Don't be an idiot," I snapped.

I'm not sure what he thought I meant - if d'Jorian really wasn't Nest, or if there was no way I'd ever tell him.

"I didn't know you were so high up in the echelons of Mars," commented Angilo, returning to the newspaper article he was perusing.

I gritted my teeth. "I'm surprised you don't remember her."

He looked up, startled. "What do you mean?"

"Well," I said, "she was dirtier at the time. And unconscious."

He stared at me, for a moment, in a kind of horror. "She was at Toridia?"

"Yes." I looked back to the screen. "She was at Toridia."

I didn't realize I could hurt him as badly as he can hurt me.

21

"What do you write in that thing?" he asked me.

"Why don't you break in and read it, if you're curious?"

"I'm not going behind your back," he said. "I'm asking you."

"It's none of your business."

"And, see? That's an answer."

20

Martian soldiers were all put in lockdown today, after the attacks. The Sears Tower - it's not demolished, but the top twenty floors are completely gone. There's been some rubble damage to the surrounding buildings, but I haven't heard of any secondary fatalities. Not that I'm certain there would be news of them, if they did exist.

Angilo let himself into the apartment close to noon.

"Don't you have anything better to do?" I asked.

"No," he told me. "I don't."

He's watching me write.

19

Angilo tells me there was a terrorist attack, today.

He stormed into the apartment maybe an hour after I got back. Furious and upset and torn - an emotional intensity I don't think I've ever seen from him. At least, not in person.

"What happened?" I asked - not looking at him.

"A bomb," said Angilo, through his teeth. "A bomb. In the Sears Tower."

My chest tightened. "Set by who?"

"Nest Haven."

My vision went red, for an instant. My hands were trembling. "That's not possible."

"Turn on the news!" Angilo snarled. "Watch it for yourself! They claimed responsibility an hour ago."

"They're full of shit," I told him, bluntly.

"And what," said Angilo, "do you know about Nest Haven?"

There's no point.

Two months ago Whitman told me he was from Nest Haven. I was surprised, then. I suppose I can't blame Angilo for holding the stereotype.

"What's going to happen now?" I asked. My voice was softer, somehow, than I'd been expecting.

Angilo hesitated, for a long, horrible moment. "I hope nothing," he said.

18

At maybe 3:30 in the afternoon, the ground vibrated, just for an instant. I thought it might have been an earthquake. It wasn't; maybe ten minutes later, the security forces in the building rounded everyone up - kids, social workers, families - and brought everyone down to the building's basement and subbasement.

I'd forgotten what it was like to be around civilians when they believe they're in danger. They were afraid. Terrified.

"What if it's another invasion?" I heard, from behind me. Lauretta touched my shoulder, stopped me from turning.

"Don't pay any attention," she muttered.

"Hey!" called a man. "Hey! What's he doing down here? We're not made of space, you know!"

"Yeah," chimed in someone else. "We don't need a Martian taking up our air-"

"What if he's in on it?" asked another woman.

Civilians. Nervous and tense and too eager to blame their problems on someone else.

The security guard looked at me, nervously, and gestured for me to stay aside from the others. "I'll have to ask you to stay over here, s-" and he cut himself off. "Keep your hands visible."

They kept me, at gunpoint, in the corner of the shelter, for the two hours it took to sound the all-clear.

I had a police escort, back to base. The windows of the car were tinted.

17

"So, you're brainwashing small children, now," is how he started the conversation.

"Brainwashing?" I questioned, acidly.

"I hear you told that girl that she could only trust Martians," said Angilo. "Specifically, ones in that uniform."

I flattened my palm against the seat, beside me. "I only hope she remembers it."

Angilo hissed a sigh, between his teeth. "It's risky for you to have this job," he said. "Please don't abuse it."

"Abuse it?"

"Can you imagine how you would feel," said Angilo, "if you were trying to adopt an Earth child, and it was an Earth officer who made the decision for you?"

I looked up, to him. "Did I win or lose the war in this scenario?"

"Don't be a smartass."

"Well, then," I said, "I imagine I'd feel a little better about having an Earth officer control only one aspect of my life."

He bit back whatever he was planning to say.

There was silence, for a while.

"Hasn't this war done enough damage?" he asked, finally, as we pulled up in front of the apartment.

There were a dozen things I could have said to him. I didn't have to, though; he stayed in the car, and I slammed the door behind me.

This evening, I saw Maurina d'Jorian on the news. Technically, she has no real political power, anymore - but I saw her speak to that crowd. She asked for peace; they listened. She asked for calm; they listened. She still has that kind of power over people.

And she's still alive. That's something, I suppose.

16

A couple of the encounters stick out at me, from today.

The first girl I saw - little thing, couldn't have been more than nine, ten years old - came in a few minutes after Lauretta left.

She took the doorway one step at a time, leading with her left foot, then bringing her right and her left even, then taking one more reluctant, terrified step with her left. I froze up, for a second. Her eyes were straight down at the floor, and she wasn't even looking at me - not even in my direction.

I took a breath, and asked the ubiquitous first question. "Hey there," I said, "what's your name?"

"Grace," she mumbled.

Oh, lord.

"Well, Grace," I said, glancing around - no bowl of candy, I'd have to fix that - "how about you sit down on the couch, huh? We're just going to talk for a little. Nothing bad, I promise."

"'kay," mumbled Grace, and she glanced up, just for a second. Then she looked up again, her eyes widening, and she made this noise, like a little cry, and ran up and threw her arms around me, before I had the chance to react.

"Whoa, hey there." I pulled her back a little. "You all right?" - because she was crying.

"Mommy said that when I'm in trouble I go to the gray and red," she told me, sniffling. "No one wears gray and red, here."

I almost smiled, at that. "Your mother's a smart woman." I patted the chair, in front of my new desk. "How about you get up here, and we get started, huh?"

There was another one, too - a boy who didn't say a word, the entire time. Just sat there, with his arms crossed. By the end, I got him to nod or shake his head a few times - enough to answer the first few sets of questions. After Lauretta ushered him back to the common area, she came back, leaned against the door of my office.

"He's been here three months," she told me.

"Three months?" The forms said that the usual adoption period was more along the lines of three weeks.

"None of us could get him to talk," she said. "And families don't want an adopted child that isn't grateful."

"That's optimistic," I muttered, under my breath.

"It's human nature," she returned. "There are a few families here. Want to get started on them?"

"Why not."

- there was one family - a couple, a dark-skinned woman and a light-skinned man, both dressed well, clean-cut. Nice shoes. Good annual income. In application, they had all the qualities, I assumed, that earmarked them for perfect candidates.

They looked at my uniform like it was slime. Looked at me like I was {two words, crossed out, illegible} the enemy.

It's hard, to act professional, in front of hostility like that.

"What sort of environment would you provide for the child?"

"The right kind," the woman hastened to say.

"We've been unable to conceive on our own," added the man. "We would love to raise a child, and these orphans - these children, I mean - have been - um. They've been in the wrong sort of environment."

"By wrong," and I stressed that, gently, "do you mean war-torn and exploited, or do you mean Martian?"

There was a pause.

"Well," started the man.

"Application denied," I said.

Lauretta confronted me alone, after that one. "You can't deny applications."

"Then why am I here?"

"We don't have enough families as it is!" she snapped. "Do you think anyone out there wants to adopt Martian kids? It's a stigma, on them, on the children."

"I'm not going to have a child raised in an environment that defames their heritage."

"Then you're dooming another child to be raised in an environment where there's barely enough to eat. Where they're living all together, crowded and lonely, and utterly homeless-"

I turned away. At that second, that instant, her words, her expression, her body language were horrific, to me. I wasn't sure I could control my actions.

"I'm just trying to take care of these kids," she said, finally.

I was silent.

"We'll deny their application," said Lauretta. "Try not to do that too much."

I nodded, once.

"Right." She sighed, softly. "Right," and I heard the door shut behind her.